Horses Suck

I have horse-fear.

I wasn’t always scared of horses. Growing up in rural Alberta, they were all over the place. I’ve ridden them, fed them, cared for them in my childhood. But when I moved away from my home town, I didn’t see a horse for several years. The next time I happened across one, the response was a tingling, nagging discomfort that sits at the spot where my neck meets my shoulders and an acute wariness, as though there was imminent danger the creature might attack.

I’ve described it as ‘not understanding my relationship to horses,’ or as a phobia, but neither really encapsulates my reaction. I’ve never been hurt by a horse. Nothing bad has ever happened to me while I’ve been around them that wouldn’t have happened in different circumstances. And I’m not scared of the horse so much as made uncomfortable by the very existence of horses. The presence of one reminds me that there are more out there. Waiting. For what? I don’t know. I can’t say. I don’t really understand them.

I understand their utility, of course. I know why people are drawn to them. I can appreciate their aesthetic beauty insomuch as one can appreciate the beauty of something wholly alien. They are useful, beautiful creatures that are responsible for much of the advancement of humanity to its current position at the apex of species. I fuckin’ get it! I just wish they didn’t exist.

So it’s always a treat to me when a setting doesn’t have them, or has replaced them with some other creature of similar utility, affinity, and form. Avatar the Last Airbender took a page from the Final Fantasy series of video games and had their heroes mounted atop mighty avian steeds. He-man’s majestic Battle-cat, a child of marketing ingenuity rather than fantastic imagination. Pern’s dragon-riders. The charming hippogriffs from Harry Potter.* The hippopotamuses from River of Teeth. The Grey Bastards’ boars. Dinosaurs. Flamingos. Worgs. Giant psychic cats.

There are so many wonderful options in fantasy worlds that I should never have to use a horse in my games ever again. So here’s a collection of some replacements.

War Cock

Warcock

Large beast, unaligned

  • Armor Class: 12

  • Hit Points: 13 (2d10+2)

  • Speed: 60 ft.

STR 16 (+3)
DEX 14 (+2)
CON 12 (+1)
INT 2 (-4)
WIS 12 (+1)
CHA 6 (-2)

  • Skills: Perception +3

  • Senses: Passive Perception 13

  • Languages: —

  • Challenge: 1/4 (50 XP)

Actions

  • Beak Attack. Melee Weapon Attack: +5 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 7 (1d6 + 3) piercing damage.

Traits

  • Keen Sight. The warcock has advantage on Wisdom (Perception) checks that rely on sight.

  • Sure-Footed. The warcock has advantage on Strength (Athletics) checks and Dexterity saving throws made to avoid being knocked prone.

Battlecat

Large beast, unaligned

  • Armor Class: 13 (natural armor)

  • Hit Points: 19 (3d10 + 3)

  • Speed: 50 ft.

STR 17 (+3)
DEX 16 (+3)
CON 12 (+1)
INT 3 (-4)
WIS 14 (+2)
CHA 8 (-1)

  • Skills: Perception +4, Stealth +5

  • Senses: Darkvision 60 ft., Passive Perception 14

  • Languages: —

  • Challenge: 1/2 (100 XP)

Actions

  • Claw Attack. Melee Weapon Attack: +5 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 9 (2d4 + 4) slashing damage.

Traits

  • Pounce. If the battlecat moves at least 20 feet straight toward a creature and then hits it with a claw attack on the same turn, that target must succeed on a DC 13 Strength saving throw or be knocked prone. If the target is prone, the battlecat can make one bite attack against it as a bonus action.

  • Keen Smell. The battlecat has advantage on Wisdom (Perception) checks that rely on smell.

  • Silent Stalker. The battlecat has advantage on Dexterity (Stealth) checks when in natural terrain, like forests or grasslands.

Riding Hippo

Combat Hippo
Large beast, unaligned
Armor Class 11 (natural armor)
Hit Points 42 (5d10 + 15)
Speed 40 ft., swim 30 ft.

Ability Scores
STR 19 (+4)
DEX 9 (-1)
CON 16 (+3)
INT 2 (-4)
WIS 10 (+0)
CHA 5 (-3)
Skills: Athletics +6, Perception +2
Senses: Passive Perception 12
Languages: —
Challenge: 1 (200 XP)

Actions
Bite. Melee Weapon Attack: +6 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 13 (2d6 + 4) piercing damage.
Trample. Melee Weapon Attack: +6 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 10 (2d4 + 4) bludgeoning damage. If the target is a creature, it must succeed on a DC 14 Strength saving throw or be knocked prone.

Traits
Hold Breath. The Combat Hippo can hold its breath for 30 minutes.
Powerful Build. The Combat Hippo counts as one size larger when determining its carrying capacity and the weight it can push, drag, or lift.
Aggressive Charge. If the Combat Hippo moves at least 20 feet straight toward a target and then hits it with a trample attack on the same turn, the target must make a DC 14 Strength saving throw or be knocked prone. The Combat Hippo can then make one bite attack against it as a bonus action.

Combat Hippo

Kristoffer Hansen